Memories and feelings of exactly how important Jess was to me increased on a daily basis.  I realized that I had been deeply in love with her and this had caused difficulties in our relationship, although I didn’t know why.  But I could guess.

In a conversation just before the exodus, I realized that I didn’t want to be a dark influence in her life and she didn’t want to be a force of chaos in mine.  I needed to be healed of the hurt and darkness inside me.  I became aware that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but that would be impossible in my current state.  I decided that I had to go away from her for a while, otherwise I would be imprinted by the same circumstances as my predecessor and the cycle of pain would continue.

As we parted, I couldn’t bear to hug her good-bye, although my arms still ache from missing that embrace.  Matthew gave her a kiss on the forehead.  Somewhere, like a distant thunder, I knew I was weeping my lungs out, but I couldn’t feel it.  I had to go find those tears if I was ever going to feel alive again.

I spent the next day at work teetering on the brink of tears and despair, but neither ever came.  After I got home I sat down and began to sing a song (I like to sing) and then suddenly I was sobbing.  My body was wracked with grief and I wept genuine tears.  I wanted it to go on until my entire being had spilled out onto the floor and reformed into some new shape, but it stopped way too soon.

But it was enough to free the beast-like guardian.  It had told me some time before that I needed to find and tap into the wellspring of my tears to open the cage I had made for it.  He leaped into my room, a massive lion-like animal made of white light.  For the first time in as long as I can remember, I felt safe and comforted.

The guardian told me that I had to learn how to love my life.  How to love being alive and enjoy even the smallest nuance of my life.  I guess I had looked for that love to come from other people.

I sense that the guardian can grow more “solid” as I continue on this journey.  I have tried to guess his name, but haven’t figured it out yet.  He follows me around wherever I go, changing size to match the situation.  I feel safest when he crouches over me and I get to nestle between his arms and under his chin.